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©2019 by Nicky Kentisbeer

Who's triggering who?

'Tis the season of goodwill and kindness.


But it's also a time when those festive triggers are out in force too!





When I say trigger, I refer to the things that can often set us or others off faster than it takes to pull a cracker.


It's a time when we step back into the roles that we traditionally play within our respective groups and families.


These triggers can be as simple as someone taking the last roast potato, right through to someone having one too many sherries and probing a little too deeply into whether we are, "still in that awful relationship or doing that same job where everyone takes advantage of us". You can insert your own scenario here!


Love it or hate it, it can be a time when the old magnifying mirror comes out and we may be forced to face things that we'd rather not have to think about while the magic of Christmas is in full swing.


As the Chefs line up in the kitchen doing it their way, every part of us wants to yell 'don't do it like that'. Feathers get ruffled if someone so much as cuts a spud the wrong shape or throws something in the wrong recycling bin.


And the funny thing is we know it's going to happen because it generally does!


As a rule of thumb - your house, your kitchen. Their house, their kitchen. Simple as that.


Truth bomb alert - we all do it. You, me and the other folk. We are all guilty.


Of course it's heightened at Christmas but its not just the preserve of 25 December. Oh no!


There will always be someone that triggers you but the chances are you trigger them too. Whatever you give out comes straight back at you without you even realising.


Merry Christmas! It's a time of giving and receiving after all.


"Right back at yer!"

It's always good to take an inward look though and check what you are putting out because it may well be reflecting back at you in the proverbial mirror!


If it is, you need to do a bit of work on yourself and take some of the responsibility. If the same thing happens year in, year out, chances are you've got yourself into a drama triangle.


These models are all very interesting. Which role do you play?


We all play different roles at different times. We often don't even realise we are doing it.


The interesting thing about these 'models' is that there is often a big pay off for everyone in staying the same which is why we see the same patterns come up when a group comes together. Even if people are fed up with the same thing happening year on year.


And we all play our part. The drama triangle cannot continue unless we do.


It is only when someone leaves the triangle or changes their behaviour that the same old, shizz ceases to exist.


Worth a thought if you find yourself part of a repetitive cycle that doesn't serve you.


If it's bad enough, someone will change their role or leave the triangle. It will cause some consternation for a bit and they may even get to play 'bad cop' as everyone tries to make sense of their 'weird change of behaviour' and how selfish they are not to be doing things in the usual way.


This is generally because when someone leaves the 'triangle', it compromises everyone else's position in the group and they fear the change that may be forced upon them. For example, if the person leaving the group is generally the victim, it leaves the perpetrator high and dry. No one to vent at. The victim may also be surrendering a lot too, because the victim status can be very rewarding. And the innocent bystanders don't get off lightly either. Because a new victim is needed and it could be one of them!


Again, we all play all of the roles so there isn't really a forever 'bad cop' as such. It's just the way the scenarios play out.


These things do tend to be heightened at times like Christmas because its when traditional groups come together. It's fascinating stuff.


You only have to look at how people show up at times like this and you start to see the patterns. Including your own!


But, as I said, these triggers aren't just for Christmas, they can come up occasionally at any time of the year.

These are the ones you need to watch. I'll talk more about this another time.


If this post resonated with you, do sign up below (bottom left) to receive my monthly newsletter, updates and offerings. Your company would be most welcome.



My name is Nicky Kentisbeer and I am a Small Business and Personal Growth Coach.


I work with women who are ready and committed to take action towards achieving their goals. Women that are ready to ditch the inner critic and the negative rhetoric that prevents them from living life in their own lane.


I coach women on a 1:1 coaching basis to support them with their small business and/or personal growth. These sessions can take place face to face, on the telephone or via Skype. Please contact me via the link (bottom left) if you would like to discuss how this may work for you and to find out more about the price of sessions.


From time to time, I also run group programmes. I shall be running a 4 week online coaching programme entitled 'Get Out of Your Own Way' in January 2020. This programme is only available for 10 women and the details can be found here 10 Women - Are You One of Them?