I ask this question of you because it can be so very easy to find ourselves travelling along a path that starts to feel as though it isn't right for us, can't it?
We know this of course, but we keep on going anyway and tell ourselves 'oh it will all be fine, it's just the way it is' or perhaps we tell ourselves 'we have no choice, or that 'there is nothing we can do about it'.
When we think in this way, we really limit ourselves. And this way of thinking doesn't really empower us to reflect and make the changes that we need to.
But that feeling doesn't go away. It makes us feel stuck. We feel it in our minds because our bloody mind chatter won't allow us to forget and our body follows suit because we feel physically out of kilter too. These feelings differ from one person to another but we generally have a place within our body that will always tell us when it's not happy. And then there is our gut instinct that we don't always listen to, or trust.
And the thing that we rarely do is to allow ourselves to step back and consider what we actually want.
It's almost easier to keep on going - stopping and letting go can sometimes feel too scary.
So if you are feeling this way, ask yourself the following :
NB : Perhaps grab yourself a notepad so that you can get your thoughts down on paper. Journaling can be really useful for bringing clarity around the questions that we struggle to answer.
What am I currently doing that I feel that I 'should'?
'Should' follows us around like a long lost friend. It's a bit like our rule book for life and how one 'should' behave. No one has ever put their hand up to writing this book - if they did I'm sure we could all have some fascinating conversations! But 'should' is of self construct in the main. And the truth is that we ourselves are responsible for doing a lot of the things that we feel that we 'should'. The good news is that it's all to do with our thoughts and mindset, which means that we can change these thoughts around and replace 'should' with 'I would rather', 'I would like to' or I am choosing to do this because it will bring me joy'. That feels a lot healthier, doesn't it? Give it a try.
What am I currently doing because everyone else is?
This one is an easy trap to fall into. Trying to be the same as everyone else. Surely if everyone else is doing it - it must be the right thing to do? Says who? Time and time again, we are reminded that this is most certainly not the case. Trying to follow the crowd can become very noisy and overwhelming at times. Yet, we still do it even though every part of our mind and body is telling us that this particular thing isn't right for us. Following someone else's path means that you will end up where they want to go. It's as simple as that. And where someone else is going, may not be for you.
Ask yourself if this happening for you right now? Do you know that following this particular path is going to take you where you need to go? Or are you just following along because you feel that it is the right thing to do? Be clear about what you really want to be doing and whether the path you are following is going to get you to where you need to be. Oftentimes, we follow along without even considering why we are doing it. Or we may follow because we don't want to feel left out. These are all good questions for you to consider.
What am I doing that is habitual?
There are habits that we practice day in and day out without even realising. A lot of these are for the good because our unconscious mind is supporting us to do things that we don't have to think about (like cleaning our teeth, showering and dressing). But there are also habits and ways of thinking that we practice that aren't serving us. Our rituals, if you like. The things that we do that we probably don't need to or the thoughts from which we operate that aren't helpful. Take time to notice some of these things and whether they are serving you. Perhaps you practice particular habits because they take you away from the things that you really want to be doing. Sounds crazy right? Yet we all do it. This is a great area to start questioning - you can go really wild in your journal with this one!
Do you feel safe even though you don't feel fulfilled?
This is the bit where I talk about the comfort zone. The place where we feel safe. There is a huge pay off for staying within our comfort zone - this is known as a secondary gain. By this I mean that there is a bigger pay off from staying the same than there is to make a change. This is the bit where we have to make a choice and ask ourselves what it is costing us to stay in the same place. If we want to make change in our lives, then we need to be willing to take incremental and comfortable steps outside of our comfort zone. This means shifting our mindset (which is absolutely within our control). Staying within our comfort zone when we don't want to be there can be an incredibly uncomfortable and frustrating place to be. If this is the case for you, ask yourself what it is that you want to move away from and where you want to move to.
I hope this has been helpful and provided some food for thought for you about what it is that you actually want for yourself.
Let me know how you get on and if this post has resonated with you and you need any further support, let me know and we can have a chat to see if coaching would help you to move forward and start taking the action that you really want to or you can book a free 30 minute call with me to find out how I can support you.
My name is Nicky Kentisbeer and I am a Mindset & Confidence Coach.
I support women like you to work on your mindset and develop the confidence that you need to move beyond the challenges that are keeping you stuck, towards a place that you would much rather be.
I do this based on the belief that you have within you the most incredible resources and capabilities to find your own solutions - irrespective of your background or starting point. There is no barrier to entry.
Maybe you have a feeling of being stuck, going round in circles or living the same day over and over? Or you are finding that the way you approach problems and challenges always gives you the same result. And it’s not the one that you want.
The feeling of being stuck is incredibly disempowering because it brings about feelings of indecision, procrastination, overthinking and fear which in turn can affect our self-belief and confidence.
And if you stop to think about it, you may find that you fear success as much as you do failure. Sometimes staying stuck may feel like a safer place to be when the alternative means change and stepping outside of your comfort zone? There is nothing unusual here as we do all have a tendency to stand in our own way at times.
This may happen because you have lost sight of how resourceful you are. You may also allow old beliefs and stories to inform your response to what is going on for you currently. Yet, much of this narrative is historical and it is no longer relevant to your life now and the choices that you make.
As your coach, I can support you to understand and address the things that may be holding you back from achieving your goals.
Through 1-to-1 coaching sessions, we will explore what it is that you want and the steps that you need to take to get started. I will ask lots of questions! Questions that you may not have asked of yourself. It is through these questions that I invite you to look at things in different ways, from a different perspective and access your own solutions accordingly. I will invite you to look at old beliefs and the stories that you may be telling yourself about your abilities.
I do not teach nor tell you how things should be done. And there is no judgement. If this resonates with you, I invite you to book a free 30-minute call with me to discuss whether coaching would be the right approach for you to start turning your ideas and aspirations into action.